* Softly whisper in her ear, “Your cat is adorable.”

* Bathe.

* With soap.

* Watch two hours of “The Bachelor,” then silently, somberly offer her a single red rose.

* Get a vasectomy.

* Quit your fool-headed yammering about how they faked the moon landing.

* Offer her a swig from your box of wine.

* Have French fries because, you know, anything French.